Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
