Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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