Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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