He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
