For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
