I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
