so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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