The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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