once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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