GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
