between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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