I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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