apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
