i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
