I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
