I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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