You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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