i don't like sucking hair
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
