Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
