so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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