how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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