Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
