So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
