my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
