I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
