at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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