"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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