I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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