if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
