highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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