You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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