god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
