I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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