I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
