This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
