You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
