That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
