i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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