Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
