can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
