Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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