im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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