I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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