I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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