We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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