you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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