i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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