Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
