It's Friday. Sex?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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