saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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