I heard we made out
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
