Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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