a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
