im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
